TO THE GOD I ONCE KNEW
I don’t like confrontation and I’ve been told to never question your will, but I’ve grown from an obedient child into a woman who is wild and challenges what I’ve been taught to believe.
I’ve done what you would have me do Instead of being true to myself. I moved to a place I can’t stand, never could, said I would never get married, but I did that too because it’s what you wanted. I got married out of obligation not love or fascination trying to convince myself this is right, this is good, it’s what God would have me do and he will fill up the space where “I feel nothing for you.”
I’ve been met with silence. unanswered cries and they say, “all in His time”. but I’m tired of waiting, hoping something will change before it’s too late.
She was 28 when she died and I thought ‘maybe this is my sign’ because just the week before I told her ‘I can’t do this anymore’.
then she was gone
Is it my fault? I shouldn’t have cried I should have lied and said that I was happy just like I’d been doing since the day I got married. They tell me I’m so lucky, so blessed to be in this “mess” so I buried my feelings just like they buried my sister.
I miss her.
No amount of tears, cries, or lies to change my mind have been heard. I pray, please Your will, not mine. I’m tired of choking on ‘please God why
why don’t I feel it
why is she gone
why aren’t you listening
this isn’t what I want
just change my heart
now anger and yet I’m still holding on out of fear because I was taught your love is earned. Do what I say, and you’ll be okay, so I gave up what I wanted most to please you:
I gave up me.
Finally, courage to break out and say this isn’t what I’m about only to be met with pity and she doesn’t really mean it shes’s gone through this before with warnings to be careful that I’m on a slippery slope but this is the first time in years that I have felt any hope. Tell me again that what I’m doing is a sin, that I must not care about my children because if I did, I wouldn’t do this.
They don’t know how many times I wish it was me to go, not her, because this is a life she wanted a life she deserved. I wonder if they know how many times I’ve gone to sleep wishing that you’d take my soul to keep. How many times I’ve said I love you with my skin while I held back the tears and wished I wasn’t in it
but his will not mine.
I wonder if they know how many times I’ve agonized over the right thing to do how many times I’ve asked you
but they say I lack faith
I’m not trying enough
all in His time
but I’d like to move on, it’s not you, it’s me: because what’s the point if you’re not listening?
to the god I once knew: I’ve changed.
from my first poetry book,
Still Growing Wildflowers.