i make love to myself

I make love to myself in my apartment on the couch
you want to hear about that but now how I was bleeding out on this same couch remembering that my sister is dead but I literally never forget
there was that one time in Georgia when I was cleaning her pan and I wasn’t sure how to take care of it
stainless steel and all
so I picked up my phone to call her and ask
I looked up to tell him what I’d done and he looked at me and said
that was dumb
it had only been a year and ten months
can you blame me?
and when that two-year mark came I was coughing up boulders
god they’re so heavy
and he asks
why are you so sad lately
and I tell him
maybe because it’s the anniversary of her death and he says
so?
like a question
and I regret not tearing out his throat
my skin on fire because he still has a voice
breathes this fucking air
and he has never lost anyone he cares about as much as he cares about himself
i lost my sister
the sun
who showed up every morning
every goddamn day
for everyone
including you
so?
i should have known I could never come back from that